NEW YORK—In a desperate ploy aimed at playing on the sympathies of concerned viewers, CBS News editor-in-chief Bari Weiss reportedly attempted to boost ratings for her struggling programs this week by kidnapping the mother of evening anchor Tony Dokoupil. “I’m not going to hurt you, Ms. Dokoupil, but you’ll be staying with me at least until the end of spring sweeps next month,” said a masked Weiss, who, according to sources, planned to seed tentpole shows such as Face The Nation and Sunday Morning with lurid details of Gail Dokoupil’s captivity, counting down the days, hours, and minutes until a deadline set by an “anonymous kidnapper” to bring in an additional 2 million viewers. “If all goes to plan, particularly in the more coveted demographics, I’ll get you home safe and sound. If not—well, let’s just hope the audience comes through for you.” At press time, CBS News ratings had yet to improve, and witnesses claimed to have seen a masked woman ushering the granddaughters of longtime 60 Minutes host Lesley Stahl into the back of a van.
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