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Satirical News

Americans in Despair As Somalian “Child Learning Centers” Shut Down

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“What’re we gonna do, man? This is heinous! This is awful! I don’t think we can survive this!” a Minnesota resident, clearly in despair...

China Criticizes Decision To Award Grammy To Dalai Lama

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The Chinese government blasted the Recording Academy’s decision to award the Dalai Lama his first Grammy, claiming the music industry award for an audiobook...
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‘Lord Of The Rings’ Reader Can’t Believe How Long It Taking Sam And Frodo To Fuck

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JACKSONVILLE, FL—Sighing in frustration as she turned another page devoid of sexual content, Lord Of The Rings reader Adrienne Heeren told...

U-Haul Unveils Live-In Trucks To Sleep In While You Sort Some Shit Out

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PHOENIX—In an effort to attract clientele who need to rent vehicles for their belongings without having a final destination...

Pet Iguana Assumed He’d Move Out Of Starter Tank By Now

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RUTHERFORD, NJ—Expressing disappointment at how his life had turned out, local pet iguana Kermit confirmed this week that he...

Fantasy About Impressing Coworkers Unimaginably Pathetic

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CHARLOTTE, NC—Describing the woman’s imagined scenario of workplace valor as both “cringeworthy” and “profoundly sad,” office sources confirmed Tuesday...

RFK Jr. Questions Efficacy Of Skin

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WASHINGTON—In a firm dismissal of decades of scientific research and real-world data on the organ’s benefits and safety, Health...

What I Lack In Physical Strength, I Make Up For In Pubic Hair

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Look, I get it. I’m a weakling. These scrawny arms and spindly legs have obviously never seen the inside...
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