WASHINGTON—Infuriated at the sullying of a cherished American tradition, angry conservatives across the country vented their outrage Friday over this weekend’s Super Bowl being held in the foreign city of Santa Clara. “I can put up with pandering to international markets when it’s some fucking regular-season Jags bullshit, but this is the biggest game of the year,” said Greg Stanley of Loudon, NH, echoing millions of like-minded conservatives in declaring it a goddamn travesty that American fans probably had to fly 15 hours to watch a sport invented right here in the United States. “I mean, you don’t see us trying to steal soccer—you know, their version of football—from Santa Clara, do you? You know Bad Bunny had something to do with this, because obliterating America from halftime apparently wasn’t enough. I will absolutely lose my shit if Drake Maye isn’t playing because of some passport issue.” At press time, Stanley said he’d still try to watch the game but wouldn’t be surprised if the announcers weren’t even speaking English.
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