NEW BEDFORD, MA—Expressing deep gratitude to find himself surrounded by those so dear to his heart, local crab Dan Herscher told reporters Wednesday that he was just happy to be in a bucket with all his friends. “Yes, sir, there’s nothing better than hanging out in a plastic bucket and clambering all over a couple dozen of my best buds,” said Herscher, adding that the warm, convivial atmosphere fostered by the bucket was such that he couldn’t help but pull back any comrades attempting to escape over the edge and give them a big, crabby hug. “Hey, where are you going, pal? Get back in here. This party’s just getting started! Just a perfect afternoon forming a writhing mass with the boys. We never really got together like this out in the ocean, but this bucket has brought us all so much closer. Nowhere else I’d rather be, fellas. Ah, jeez, I just love every last one of you is all. Bucket buddies for life!” At press time, witnesses reported that Herscher had also hit it off with a gloved hand reaching in to pluck him from the bucket.
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