CHANDLER, AZ—Noting that he had shown a lot of vulnerability by communicating his true feelings so explicitly, sources confirmed Thursday that an ex’s death threat proved how much he really cares. “When you two were together you often felt that he didn’t put in any effort, so it’s not really fair to turn around and complain about it now,” said those close to the situation, adding that the ex had thoughtfully created an alarming handwritten note with very personalized threats to kill and dismember. “He’s been driving by the house at least once a day, which is pretty romantic when you ignore that dead look in his eyes. Plus, it was really sweet of him to turn up when your cat died, although it was kind of weird that he knew about that without you telling him.” At press time, sources confirmed the ex was walking toward the car with a huge wrench, which was convenient because the vehicle randomly had four flat tires.
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