WASHINGTON—Whimpering at the butter knife clutched in his brother’s hand, a wincing Donald Trump Jr. reportedly shouted “Do it!” Wednesday as he and Eric Trump prepared to cut off their hair to avoid a U.S. military draft. “Come on, Eric, do it quick, before I change my mind,” said Donald Jr., who squeezed his eyes shut and placed a Twizzler between his teeth in anticipation of the excruciating pain that would come from his younger brother administering the swift cut to his locks. “Don’t let me see the blood, Eric. Just hurry up, and then I’ll do you. Oh God, we’re going to be crippled. But it’s better than being sent to Iowa. Wait, wait, not yet!” At press time, Donald Jr.’s earsplitting screams were reportedly heard ringing throughout the White House.
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