THE HEAVENS—Expressing frustration with the sky-rise apartment complex going up right outside His celestial home, God Almighty, Supreme Leader of the Universe, confirmed Wednesday that He was angry about the new construction blocking His view of creation. “I worked hard to have a Heavenly Kingdom from which I can gaze down upon all the beasts of the earth and the birds of the sky, but now I’ve got this giant orange crane obstructing almost everything,” said the Lord, adding that when He sat upon His holy throne, the entire Amazon Rainforest was obscured behind the scaffolding that had been erected for what is estimated to be paradise’s largest building project in nearly 6,000 years. “And by the time they finish putting up these bullshit condos, it won’t just be the breathtaking splendor I can’t see anymore. I won’t even have a view of places like Antarctica, the deserts, the ocean’s dead zones, or Wichita, KS. It’ll just be these dumb luxury apartments. Not to mention the cherubim and seraphim can’t sleep with all the endless drilling and jackhammering going on up here.” God went on to state that the massive new multiunit dwellings would bring down property values on every gold-paved street in heaven.
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