Granny or grandpa: The person who knits together the purls of witdom

Column 8 first appeared in the Herald on the eighth column of page one on January 11, 1947. It began: “VALUES. Don Bradman, Test cricketer, can’t remember the number of autographs he’s signed – must run into many Thousands.” Marcus Oliphant, atom expert, can. He’s never been asked for one.

Granny is the name given to Column 8’s author. His or her real identity has never been revealed. The Herald wanted to lift the bonnet and find out more about Granny as part of the Herald’s 195th anniversary celebrations on April 18.

Herald: What’s with the bonnet?

I wear many hats (not to mention that stinky mask during COVID), but I prefer to call the accessory in question my (lateral) thinking cap.

Herald: I hear you knit: Any purls of wisdom you’d like to share?

Never ever forget that it’s their [readers] column, not mine. Never try to be funnier than them and never succeed in being funnier than them.

Herald: Do you get sick of the boomer puns (see above)?

Yes, nice work with the purls, you might get a run sometime. If anything, the trick is to outpun the punter while they are trying to outpun each other. A former Herald colleague insists that I’m the one who is the source of the most groans.

Herald: What’s with the name? Why not grandpa?

Actually, not a bad idea. You would not believe the number of letters and/or emails that begin with the words “Dear Aunty”.

Herald: How did you feel when you were retrenched in 2001? Were you ready for retirement?

Ah, yes. The Great Migration, by George. Not going to lie, it was a tough time, but I prefer to call it a redeployment rather than retirement. But it kept us on our toes. The biggest threat was being closer to our hip young cousins Stay in Touch and Today’s People. That Dale kiddie got all the celebrities to himself.

Herald: Isn’t your name out of date? We don’t even have eight columns any more.

There’s more to it than that. After all, to collimate means to make something perfectly parallel.

Herald: Any frequent flyers (most regular contributor)?

This is a bit of a sore point. For a number of years, we would get the editorial library boffins to calculate the leading contributor and publish the results at year’s end. For a time, this worked well, and one contributor, George Manojlovic of Mangerton, even found himself the subject of the late, great Herald cartoonist John Shakespeare. But, you know, jealousy’s a curse and readers not only started to dispute the numbers, but towards the end of the year, would chuck in any old thing just to increase their chances of getting a run, which led to a quantity over quality crisis.

Herald: What’s the hottest topic?

It concerns the gentleman mentioned above. About nine years ago, at the height of Manojlovic mania, regular C8-er Don Bain suggested that George did not in fact exist: “Is it not time for Column 8 to come clean and admit that ‘George Manojlovic’ is nothing more than a pseudonym for writers on your team, tasked with thinking up topics to spark off genuine reader reaction? Might it be more than mere coincidence that Manojlovic can be formed from the names Mal, Jono and Vic?” To this day Mal, Jono and Vic still get a mention.

Herald: How do you maintain the rage after all these years?

Have you looked out the window lately?

Herald: What’s the secret to your longevity?

All jokes aside, a genuine fondness for the readership. When we lose one, as we inevitably do, the salutations are profound.

Herald: What’s your favourite contribution/s?

It’s the things you forget about, despite living it. Like junket tablets, Lan-Choo tea coupons, milk monitors which necessitated sawdust monitors, the Rawleigh man, the ice man and the dunny man.

Herald: What does the future hold?

We’ve got a way to go. An Irishman’s Diary in The Irish Times has a 20-year start on us. That said, we’re not a columnist talking to the public, we’re the demographic talking to itself!

Herald: What does Granny do when not working for the Herald?

Granny likes it on the home front with a cat on her lap (elite Granny areas right there), at yum cha, being tormented by her football team, strong coffee, live music, too-violent TV, and, of course, knitting.

Jordan Baker sends an exclusive newsletter to subscribers each week. Sign up to receive her Note from the Editor.