‘I actually cried quite a lot’: Macy Gray on the complicated grief of losing an ex

Each week, Benjamin Law asks public figures to discuss the subjects we’re told to keep private by getting them to roll a die. The numbers they land on are the topics they’re given. This week, he talks with Macy Gray. The American singer, 57, has sold more than 25 million albums. She has been nominated for five Grammy Awards, winning Best Pop Vocal Performance for the song I Try in 2001. Her latest album is The Reset.

RELIGION

Were you raised in the church, Macy? Oh, yes, big time. My mother made me go to church every Sunday. I never knew what the preacher was talking about – I was a kid – but I really liked the choir. It influenced me musically and I have a strong relationship with God because of that.

Are you still a churchgoing Baptist? No, I kind of got sour with religion. As I got older, I realised it was all about someone’s perspective. [Preachers] are like politicians: they push what they believe in, find chapters in the Bible and interpret them, but it’s their interpretation. A lot of it doesn’t really add up, if you ask me. So I’ve developed a relationship with God on my own.

Do you still pray? And if so, what for? Oh, I pray every day: first thing in the morning and before I go to bed. I pray for my kids. I pray for my mum, who has cancer. I pray for purity and to act on what’s really in my heart because I feel that that’s the part of me that’s guided by God.

For the people in your audience, hearing you sing live can feel like a spiritual experience. Does it feel like a spiritual experience for you on stage? Oh, totally – you’re like Jesus up there! [Laughs] I say, “Everybody, put your hands in the air!” and everybody does it. They’re screaming, crying and calling out your name. It’s very spiritual. That’s definitely when I feel possessed by things that are bigger and better than me.

Do you have rituals before and after you play a show? I always listen to a lot of music, then I do a huge warm-up. I pray alone and then I pray with my band and my crew. And then – sometimes – we have a shot together!

Your debut album was titled On How Life Is. Have you figured out the meaning of life yet? No. I’m at an age where I understand that I haven’t figured it out, and I’m not supposed to. Once you feel like you’ve figured something out, you stop learning.

DEATH

What have been the big, defining losses in your life? My father, Richard, for sure. Also, my ex-husband, Michael.

How did your father’s life – and now, his absence – change you? Well, I was really mad at my father for a lot of things; I blamed my parents for everything. Then, before he died, he asked me if he’d been a good father. That was really profound for me because he didn’t ask, “Did I leave enough money?” He wanted to know if he’d done a good job, even though I never saw him. That’s a moment I’ll never forget. I remember looking in his eyes when he said it. I was shocked because I’d never seen that side of my dad. And I said that yes, he had.

When you mentioned your late ex-husband, I wondered if his death brought up complicated emotions. [Nods] I hadn’t seen him in ages, and it was difficult because we have kids. All of them handled it very differently. When I heard about it, I realised that I still cared for him – I actually cried quite a lot. A person might change and you might not speak, but that place in your heart that you’ve set aside for them is still theirs.

You’ve been a successful recording and touring artist for more than a quarter of a century now. How have you avoided career death? I don’t know! [Laughs] I’ve made a lot of mistakes – horrible, horrible mistakes – in my career. I think it’s a matter of just keeping on doing it. No matter how much you mess up, how broke you are, how famous you get or how bad your last album was, you keep going.

Any requests for your funeral? I’ve told my daughter that I don’t want to be buried. Don’t put me in the ground and let the worms eat me. I want to be cremated and make it a party: I don’t want people sitting around crying!

MONEY

Your mother was a school teacher and your father worked at a steel factory as well as being a partner in a barber shop. What was money like for you growing up in Canton, Ohio? It was cool. We always had what we needed and my dad always owned the house that we lived in. We had three or four cars and always took a family trip. We definitely weren’t hard up.

What did you want to do for money? I went through phases. I wanted to be a firewoman, then I wanted to be a choreographer, then I wanted to be the president! Then I wanted to be involved in movies as I got older – to write and produce them – and even went to USC [School of Cinematic Arts in Los Angeles].

Then you pivoted to music … Yeah, but I didn’t make a dime in music until I signed my record contract. That was the first money I ever saw from music. I’d never been paid for it before.

Wow. Fast-forward to now and you’re famous. Does that mean you’re rich? Oh, I do all right for myself. I’m not homeless and I pay my bills.

What constitutes money well spent? A good time. When you spend money on something that makes you happy and puts a smile on your face. Even, I don’t know, going to the movies – that’s not cheap any more! Last time I went, it cost me 150 bucks! But you get to sit down, think about something else for two hours and they bring your food to your chair!

Complete this sentence for me. “Money can’t buy you … Youth.

“But money can buy you … Happiness. I’m sorry, but I really think it can!

Macy Gray is currently on a national, month-long Australian tour.

diceytopics@goodweekend.com.au

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