Dear Coleen,
I’m a married woman and I started an adult learning course a couple of months ago. My kids are now 12 and 14, and more independent, so I felt I’d benefit from doing something more creative that took my head out of work and family life.
The problem is, I’ve developed a crush on my tutor, even though I know nothing about him or his life. He has no idea I fancy him and my husband has no idea I have these feelings for another man.
I find myself thinking about him all the time and come up with reasons to ask questions after class or email him afterwards. It’s pathetic and embarrassing – I’m in my 40s!
To be honest, I’m shocked I’ve fallen for him like this – he’s the first guy I’ve been attracted to since I met my husband 17 years ago.
I should add that my marriage is solid and I love my husband, but I’m really enjoying being around this man and fantasising about him, and can’t wait for a Wednesday night to come around so I can go to his class. Is this weird and what do I do about these crazy feelings I’m having?
Coleen says,
You have an old-fashioned crush where you get all wrapped up in a romantic fantasy. I wouldn’t say it was weird – it’s normal to find other people attractive, even when you’re in a relationship – but it’s not real.
If you think it’s becoming a proper issue in that it’s starting to affect how you feel about your marriage, then I’d probably change your course and try something else. The thing about crushes – if you think back to your teenage years – is that those feelings do disappear if you put some distance between yourself and the object of your crush.
Look, you know what you’ve got to lose, so don’t even think about jeopardising that over a guy you know nothing about and who’s currently unaware you’re fantasising about him. Most of the time, a fantasy like this is much better staying just that.
Give yourself a wake-up call by imagining the fallout – heartbreak, financial stress, distraught children and divorce. Not very sexy. But maybe what this crush is telling you is that although you love your husband, you’re missing something in your marriage, and you need to do something to make it more exciting, romantic and fun.
Maybe you’re feeling a bit neglected and need to communicate that to your husband. Your teacher can’t help you with this – he’s just a distraction.
Coleen’s words of wisdom
If you’re trying to make positive changes to your life, give yourself an easy starting point and build from there. Do one thing a day – make one call, write one sentence, apply for one job. It all adds up.
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