TOLEDO, OH—Visibly distraught as he learned of the widespread betrayal, local mail carrier Ned Mungo expressed dismay Thursday upon realizing that the residents on his route have been receiving electronic mail for years without his knowing. “Day in and day out, I’ve been coming to these doorsteps to deliver their beloved letters and catalogues, only to discover that they’ve been getting such messages in their digital mailboxes this entire time,” said a visibly distraught Mungo, struggling to maintain his composure as he processed the rank betrayal the residents had enacted behind his back without once even hinting at their choice. “Am I not enough? Do these paper documents—lovingly handled, kept safe in the folds of my carrier bag—mean nothing to you? Look, here’s a copy of Time magazine. Is Time magazine on your computer? I don’t think so. I have no idea what made these people sign up for ‘electronic mail,’ but believe me when I say it will never make you smile the way these handwritten letters could.” At press time, Mungo had grown increasingly bitter after learning that many of them were receiving their pornography in digital form, as well.
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