NEW YORK—In a continuation of their post-MSNBC rebranding effort, cable news network MS NOW was reportedly luring in new viewers Wednesday with a slowly rotating gyro spit in the corner of all its programming. “With linear TV viewership in decline and audiences increasingly turning to social media for their news, we knew that we needed to offer something no other outlet could: a tender spit of succulent lamb that looks so good you can almost taste it,” said MS NOW president Rebecca Kutler, noting that the change was made after the network conducted a study of the content that was most appealing to viewers and noticed that “delicious meat” scored far higher than “political analysis.” “We’ve researched what keeps viewers from changing the channel, and while breaking news tickers and dynamic sets move the needle, nothing is more effective than the slow rotation of a sumptuous, juicy gyro. And soon, we’ll be adding a side of tzatziki sauce that we believe will keep viewers glued to the TV during our midterm election coverage.” At press time, ratings for MS NOW were up 700%.
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