My bad date is threatening to go to my employer. How can I stop her?

Each week Dr Kirstin Ferguson tackles questions about workplace, career and leadership in her advice column Got a Minute? This week: a bad date gets even worse, a crisis after a colleague’s death and a missing family heirloom.

I am divorced and went on a date with someone I met on Hinge and shared where I work. The date ended badly for various reasons and I did not see her again. I thought nothing of it but have now received a message from her, threatening to contact my employer. She said they “need to know what I am really like”. It’s all a lie and I don’t doubt she will make things up if she has to. How seriously should I take this? I am in a senior position and this could be embarrassing if it comes out. Should I say something now to my boss, or wait and see if she contacts them?

If someone you’ve dated gets in touch with your employer out of spite, most senior leaders will be experienced enough to know such complaints have varying levels of credibility. Unless you know the woman is about to contact your boss imminently, there is no need to tell your boss yet, but I would keep copies of all communications and cease all further contact.

If the behaviour continues, or becomes harassing, or if you think the woman has a valid reason to complain about your behaviour, you may wish to seek legal advice or speak with police about your options.

Finally, if your boss is contacted and has concerns, remember to remain calm and factual. Tell the truth, provide the context, and share the messages if necessary. I know it will be tempting but resist denigrating the woman or reacting emotionally. This will be a time to remain as objective and measured as possible.

My colleague died suddenly, and now I’m questioning everything. We had worked together for 20 years and, while I liked him, we were not particularly close. What really hit me was watching how quickly his inbox got sorted just before his funeral. We tell ourselves how much we are needed in our jobs, but the reality is none of us are indispensable. I am now questioning whether I want to spend my time at work at all. How do I get out of this funk, or do I just quit and live life as I want to?

It is easy for me to say quit and follow your heart’s desire, but I don’t have to pay your bills. The reality is you are experiencing something of an existential crisis and wondering who you are and why you exist. That isn’t always such a bad thing.

I have no idea what your personal circumstances might be, but if you have annual leave or even long service leave accrued, why not take a decent period of time off work to decide how you do want to spend your time? Maybe there is a way to pay the bills and feel you are living life in a way that works for you? Decide what is really important to you.

As you have seen through the experience of your colleague, life is short and can change in an instant. Finding a way to make the most of the time we do have is something we should all consider from time to time.

I volunteer at my local school two days a week. I loaned the school a family heirloom – nothing of monetary value but of significant sentimental value – at a recent school celebration. When I went to collect it afterwards, it was nowhere to be found. Everyone passed the buck when I tried to find it, and now I feel totally let down. Should I just let it go, or expect compensation or even an apology?

I can understand your disappointment at the school’s response and I think it highlights the two separate issues happening here. Given the item didn’t have any financial value, even though it meant a lot to you, I don’t think compensation is what you want to focus on. The second issue is how the school responded. I do think you should expect a sincere apology and a genuine effort to help you locate something you have generously provided.

I would contact the school principal and calmly explain what happened. The item may be in a cupboard somewhere in the school, stored by a well-meaning person after the event. I am sure if the principal knows how much this means to you, and you seek their help in locating the item, things will get moving.

To submit a question about work, careers or leadership, visit kirstinferguson.com/ask. You will not be asked to provide your name or any identifying information. Letters may be edited.

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