WASHINGTON—Expressing certainty that they wouldn’t make it to spring without resorting to drastic measures, the American people stated Wednesday that they had been left with no choice but to eat 35 million Canadians to survive the harsh winter.
According to sources, the United States endured below-freezing temperatures and depleted food rations for weeks before a terrible hunger drove all 340 million of its residents to turn to cannibalism in order to increase their odds of staying alive.
“After so many days without a proper meal, I could feel my body starting to eat away at itself,” said Amy Hanrahan of Roseau, MN, who along with the rest of the country managed to persevere amid the hostile conditions by reluctantly consuming nearly 85% of Canada’s population. “It may sound barbaric to an outsider, but the cupboard was bare. We ran through all the reserves we’d laid in for the winter, people didn’t have half a bag of pizza rolls between them, and the Dairy Queens had all closed for the season. We were facing certain death.”
“At first, we said we wouldn’t eat beyond the flannel and the denim,” she continued, “but you do what you need to do to survive.”
The nation is said to have made a few ineffectual attempts to forage locally, but with months of winter left to go and no indication that help was coming, a new plan was made. In a last-ditch effort to find sustenance, several hundred thousand intrepid Americans ventured north on an expedition across the border. Between Newfoundland and Yukon, they reportedly discovered nearly 6 billion pounds of surplus Canadians.
While some U.S. residents said they were ethically opposed to consuming their Canadian brethren, the severity of the situ-ation soon led them to accept that sacrificing their North American neighbors was their only hope of avoiding starvation.
“Either I eat the guy, or I go hungry,” said Ione, WA, man Lee Danvers, who is believed to have been the first of many millions to try a Canadian when he cut into a Winnipeg banker and swallowed a matchstick-sized piece of flesh. “Once we ran out of people to eat in Puerto Rico and Guam, we really didn’t have a choice.”
“It tasted so good,” Danvers added. “It was our only option, and it was delicious.”
Many Americans reported feeling residual guilt over the three generations of Canadians they ate their way through, while others were unapologetic, noting that Ontarians provided a lot of sustenance and the Quebecois possessed a rich, buttery flavor that was highly satisfying. Nearly all agreed the Canadians would have readily eaten most of the Midwest if the situation had been reversed.
“You should have seen the crazy look in their eyes,” said Canada’s Joseph O’Brien, who stumbled upon the “feral, blood-covered” American popul-
ace while on an early morning hike near his home in Banff, Alberta, where the landscape was crimson with the slaught-ered remains of his gorged-upon countrymen. “I was lucky to make it out alive. They had so much meat, yet they still ran after me. God, I can still hear the sound of them sucking on the bones.”
“I really don’t understand what would drive a person to do something like that,” he continued. “There are over 4,000 Tim Hortons locations in this country they could have eaten at instead.”
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