ARLINGTON, VA—Describing the incident as a split-second operational judgment made under rapidly evolving conditions, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth invoked the “fog of war” Thursday to explain why he urinated inside a Pentagon break room refrigerator. “In the heat of the moment, you’ve got to make a decision, and sometimes that decision is imperfect,” said Hegseth, arguing that under the intense pressure of warfare it can be nearly impossible to distinguish between a porcelain urinal and a white refrigerator. “Civilians can never understand what it’s like to be in the thick of it. On the ground, you don’t have time to dilly-dally. You just unzip and go. When you’re back home, it’s easy to have all these high-minded ideals about the ‘rules’ of combat, but the truth is, when you find yourself totally blasted and face-to-face with a brightly lit shelf of individually wrapped string cheeses, you don’t have the luxury of calculating whether there’s time to run to the bathroom or even open a window. Throw around terms like ‘war criminal’ or ‘coworker’s insulin-ruiner’ all you want, but I acted with significant restraint by urinating in the vegetable crisper when, by all accounts, I would have been totally justified in fully dousing every inch of the fridge in my piss.” Asked for comment, President Donald Trump defended Hegseth’s actions and appeared to imply that the Pentagon custodian who filed the initial complaint should be investigated for treason.
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