SCHAUMBURG, IL—Claiming the new offering would revolutionize the use of pasta sauce in stress reduction and pain relief, Ragú officials unveiled a new sensory deprivation marinara tank at a press event Friday. “This lightproof, soundproof vat filled with our signature vine-ripened, zesty tomato sauce marks the beginning of an exciting new era in tomato-based relaxation,” said Ragú spokesperson Ken Ewing, who explained that a savory blend of herbs and salt specially formulated for maximum therapeutic benefits allowed the body to effortlessly float above the surface of the red sauce inside the isolation pod, promoting a combination of anxiety reduction and hearty, high-quality Mediterranean ingredients. “The detoxifying marinara is slowly simmered to the exact temperature of the user’s body, allowing the mind to drift freely into a meditative gravy state, just like Nonna used to make. The experience is available in both traditional and chunky varieties, including a tactile thermal meat sauce and a highly stimulating arrabiata option—guaranteed to clear your mind of everything except authentic, Old World–style Italian flavor.” Ragú went on to recommend that customers visit the brand’s website, where they posted a bonus recipe for an invigorating gazpacho cold plunge.
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