ST. PAUL, MN—Noting that the traditional carol had undergone an unmistakably hardcore sonic shift, a new report published Tuesday found that the presence of an electric guitar means you can be pretty damn sure that what you’re listening to is not your mother’s “Jingle Bells.” “Whether you’re out Christmas shopping at Old Navy, watching a trailer for an action movie where Santa Claus goes missing, or trying to skip a YouTube ad for a holiday sale on wireless earbuds, as soon as you hear that badass Stratocaster kick in, it quickly becomes clear the version of ‘Jingle Bells’ you’re experiencing is far different from the one babies listen to at preschool,” the report read in part, adding that the presence of a drummer going hard as hell on the cymbals and a vocalist who might as well be screaming his damn head off means you’re pretty much guaranteed to be listening to the kind of rock and roll music that would give your churchgoing granny a heart attack. “We’ll tell you this much: You’re not gonna hear carolers singing this version of ‘Jingle Bells’ unless they’re the band Kiss. Trust us, kid, if you’re unwrapping presents with your folks and someone blasts this ‘Jingle Bells’ on the sound system, your parents are gonna want to cover their ears pronto, because this is the type of no-holds-barred Christmas tune juvenile delinquents are probably jamming out to down at the skate park. And our findings make one thing abundantly clear: If you can’t handle the full force of this adrenaline-pumping, amped-up ‘Jingle Bells,’ maybe you should drag your ass back to the nursing home and listen to Bing Crosby with the other old folks, okay?” The report concluded by suggesting that the presence of a saxophone may, in fact, indicate that you’re listening to the kind of sultry “Jingle Bells” they’ve got playing at the swanky jazz clubs downtown.
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