WASHINGTON—Asking the children to please just take one since he had to acquire the organs from a “sketchy dealer” in West Virginia, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly celebrated Halloween Friday by greeting trick-or-treaters with a big bowl of ape glands. “Come and get a king-sized gibbon pituitary,” Kennedy said while gesturing to the slippery organs, adding that the glands tasted even better when still secreting fluid. “I always liked the sebaceous ones when I was your age! The gorilla thyroids are super gooey. I loved Halloween—it was so fun to fight the other kids for the best glands. You could trade these on the playground for any candy you want. These glands were expensive because they’ve been lab-tested and certified autism-free. Oh no, we’re almost out. Cheryl, can you grab the big gland bag from the pantry?” At press time, sources confirmed Kennedy had begun allowing trick-or-treaters to take two ape glands if they looked like they had measles.
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