WASHINGTON—In an effort to clamp down on what it claimed was fraudulent use of federal food benefits, the U.S. Department of Agriculture announced Thursday that applicants to the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program would now need to demonstrate that they spend at least 80 hours per month in a hypoglycemic coma. “These requirements ensure the SNAP program is working for those who need it and isn’t being abused by insufficiently hungry people,” said Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins, adding that under the new policy, anyone seeking SNAP benefits would have to submit hospital records documenting the amount of time they spent in a deep unconscious state brought on by dangerously low levels of blood sugar. “The days of malnourished individuals mooching off the American taxpayer simply because they’re severely emaciated are over. Already, we’ve turned away thousands of scam artists who merely presented symptoms of an erratic heartbeat, a distended belly, or fatigue that prevents them from walking more than a few steps before collapsing. From now on, if you can’t prove you spend at least 80 hours a month in a state of unresponsive brain failure, you can’t prove you’re entitled to the government’s generosity.” Rollins went on to say that emerging from the coma at any point during the required 80 hours demonstrated adequate nutrition and reset the timer to zero.
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