BOISE, ID—Crying out “¡Dios mío!” and “¡Ayúdame!” as soon as they heard the opening notes of the Puerto Rican superstar’s “EoO,” millions of terrified conservatives reportedly lost the ability to speak English Sunday after exposure to Bad Bunny’s Super Bowl LX halftime performance. “Oh, what a crock-load of mierda—¿qué?—¿qué está pasando? ” said local 43-year-old Randy Hance, who in a scene that was currently unfolding in millions of households across the nation jumped out of his seat and clutched at his throat as he realized he was no longer able to speak any language but Spanish.“¡Estoy hablando español! ¿Pero no hablo español? No entiendo nada. ¡No puedo parar! Inglés, inglés, inglés, ¡quiero hablar inglés! ¡Es culpa tuya, conejito malo!” At press time, sources confirmed Hance was frantically attempting to smash his television set as his Super Bowl party guests cowered behind the sofa shrieking, “¡Dios nos ha abandonado!”
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