WASHINGTON—Praising the recipients for their acts of true American cowardice, President Donald Trump proudly announced a new “Dodger Dividend” on Wednesday night for anyone who successfully avoided military service. “Today, we celebrate the millions of patriots willing to step up and do whatever it takes to avoid being shipped off to war and getting themselves killed,” Trump said in a primetime televised address, claiming that the $1,776 payments were the least he could do for those willing to risk everything by faking a medical condition, falsifying a student deferment, or forging National Guard reserve-duty papers on behalf of the nation. “Whether their wealthy father paid a doctor to claim they had bone spurs, or they got drunk and shot a bullet straight through their foot, or they spent an entire week soiling their pants before visiting the draft office, these Americans deserve every penny. To those who claimed family hardship after backing their car over their grandmother in the driveway, we salute you. You’ve earned it.” Trump added that he would also be awarding a “Deserter Dividend” to anyone who willfully abandoned their post or went AWOL while serving.
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