WASHINGTON—Alarmed at the shocking lapse in protocol that nearly resulted in disaster, a shaken President Donald Trump ordered his security presence beefed up Monday following a frighteningly close brush with JD Vance. “How’s a guy like that even allowed to enter the same building as me, let alone get within handshaking distance?” said Trump, adding that there was no excuse for him being subjected to nearly half a minute of mind-numbing small talk before Secret Service finally tackled the vice president. “From now on, we’re not only gonna have multiple agents at every door of every room I enter, but also position snipers on the roof, so they can take him out the second he’s spotted on White House grounds. I got lucky this time, but a deranged person like that won’t stop until we’re having a full-blown conversation.” At press time, Trump reportedly decided he’d never truly feel safe as long as Vance remained alive, and he immediately ordered Air Force Two shot out of the sky.
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