WASHINGTON—Declaring that the United States would no longer bear the full burden of screwing the pooch on a global level, President Donald Trump issued a statement Monday demanding U.S. allies do their fair share to help fuck up the world. “The United States contributes far more to worldwide suffering than any of our so-called ‘allies’ in NATO, and it’s high time these other countries started stepping up to the plate,” said the commander-in-chief, adding that the mission of ruining the planet for future generations could not be accomplished without the active participation of Europe, Japan, Canada, and other Western-aligned nations. “We need a diverse network of military powers showing up to torment and belittle every person on earth. Every U.S. ally should dedicate at least 3.5% of its GDP to ensuring that its own citizens and foreigners suffer as much pain as humanly possible.” Trump went on to state that unless allied nations began pulling their weight soon, there was a real risk that some of the world’s inhabitants might survive to the end of the decade.
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