WASHINGTON—Voicing deep frustration with the lack of jobsite carnage, President Donald Trump expressed disappointment Thursday that no one had been killed yet in the construction of the White House ballroom. “It’s been months since we started, and I still haven’t seen one worker get impaled by rebar or have his head smashed in by falling rubble,” said Trump, adding that he had at least hoped to witness a runway steamroller squeeze the guts from the mouths of a few construction workers as if they were tubes of toothpaste. “They killed almost a hundred guys building the Hoover Dam, so why isn’t the death toll on my project even bigger? I get my hopes up every time they hoist some huge beam up with a crane, but it never ends up snapping the cable and crushing everybody. No bloody table saw accidents, no nail guns shooting into someone’s skull, no falling glass chopping someone in half. Nothing! Even though I specifically told them not to worry about being OSHA-compliant. Just my luck. They probably got plenty of asbestos exposure during the demolition process, but it’ll be years before anyone actually dies from it.” At press time, a crowbar-wielding Trump was overheard telling Vice President JD Vance to put on a hard hat and head over to the former East Wing.
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