LONG BEACH, CA—Wiping sweat from his brow as he clenched a scalpel in his mouth, a man reportedly hot-wired a vasectomy Friday while his accomplice served as lookout. “I’ve got to get in and get out without anyone noticing,” said the unidentified man, whose hands shook as he fumbled with the vas deferens, causing sparks to fly everywhere. “Shit, shit, shit—if we don’t get this right on the first try, the whole thing’s gonna short-circuit and the erection will completely shut down. Hand me that coat hanger, a screwdriver, and a piece of chewing gum. Now, I just need to cross the red vein and the blue vein, and we should be in business. There it is! Hear that puppy roar!” Authorities later confirmed they had launched a citywide manhunt for the pair of suspects, who they allege hit nearly two dozen penises overnight.
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