Sonja Lyubomirsky thinks the Valentine’s Day cards have it wrong. Most, argues the researcher, a distinguished professor of psychology at UC Riverside, say some variation of “I love you.”
“We think all the cards should say, ‘I feel loved by you.’ Or, ‘You make me feel loved,’” says Lyubomirsky, co-author of the recent book “How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most.”
The difference is key, and vital, says Lyubomirsky, to our happiness. Being in love, for instance, is not the same as feeling loved, and “How to Feel Loved” documents the latter. For to feel loved is to truly be seen and embraced by another. It’s deeper, and greater, than passion. And we desire it.
Lyubomirsky, a longtime researcher in the field of happiness, together with Harry Reis, a dean’s professor in the University of Rochester’s department of psychology, have written a treatise on how to bring more compassion, acceptance and vulnerability to our relationships.
The bad news: We often go about it incorrectly. The good news: It’s fixable.
Sonja Lyubomirsky, co-author with Harry Reis of the book “How to Feel Loved.”
(Taea Thale Photography )
Too often, they write, we obsess over making ourselves more appealing to others — or more “lovable” — when we should be striving for stronger communication. “How to Feel Loved” outlines multiple mindsets to up our conversation game, each springing off of what they call the “sea-saw method.” Yes, “sea” rather than “see.” We unpack that and more with Lyubomirsky, below.
This interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.
A core tenant of the book is that sometimes we’re our own worst enemies. Things we think may help us feel more loved ultimately work against that goal.
Many of us are loved, but we don’t feel loved. Harry Reis and I created a survey expressly for the book, and we found that 70% reported wanting to feel more loved in at least one of their significant relationships, and 40% wanted to feel more loved by their romantic partner. That’s a problem. Feeling loved is so important to happiness. What are the barriers? Why don’t people feel more loved, and what do they do when they aren’t feeling loved? What we discovered through research is that we kind of go about it the wrong way. We think, “If I don’t feel loved, I need to change myself. I need to make myself more lovable. I need to get more attractive, richer, more accomplished and have more power, status, fame and beauty. I need to show the other person my wonderful qualities and hide my shortcomings and weaknesses.” It turns out that’s backward. That will not make us feel more loved. Our message is empowering. You don’t need to change yourself. You don’t need to change the other person. You just need to change the conversation.
I want to get into changing the conversation, but curious, is a reluctance to do so driven by a fear of rejection?
There’s something called the vulnerability paradox. We think being vulnerable and admitting our mistakes will make people like us less. But actually, often people like us more. So that doesn’t mean just go tell everyone your weaknesses. A lot of emotional intelligence is involved here. You have to read the person — at what point to be a little vulnerable? But right now, I want to impress you with this interview. I want you to think I’m smart, knowledgeable and a good person. That might succeed in impressing you, and maybe you might admire me, but it’s not going to forge a connection. It’s really that vulnerability of going deeper that makes us feel more loved.
“How to Feel Loved” from Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis.
(Harper Collins Publishers)
So how do we go about that? What’s the first step in feeling more loved?
If you want to feel more loved, you need to make the other person feel loved first. How do you do that? You show genuine curiosity in their day, in their inner life and what they’re all about. We all crave that. The key to feeling loved is truly being known. If you’re hiding your shortcomings and only showing your highlight reel, you’re not going be known. So, Todd, let’s say you only show me very positive sides of you, and never anything vulnerable. Then I express love to you. How can you trust that? What am I loving? I’m just loving this little piece that’s being shown to me. So you’ll always wonder, “Oh, if they only knew A, B, C or D about me, they wouldn’t love me so much.” So the first step to make the other person feel loved is to show radical curiosity. For example, I’ll ask, “Tell me about the last time you cried.”
And yet to ask that question — or to answer it — we need to feel that we’re in a safe space. The concept of radical curiosity seems to create that.
You feel safe because I’m really genuinely interested and I really care. We talk about the open-heart mindset, which is warmth and kindness. I really care about you. I believe in you. We call this the listening to learn mindset. I’m not just trying to respond or turn it back to me, like, “Oh, that reminds me of my story.” Most of us are not good listeners, me included, because we’re formulating an answer instead of just totally taking it in. Listen like you’re watching a film. When you’re watching a film, you’re just taking it in. You’re not formulating an answer when you’re watching a movie.
Some of these tips sound simple but they’re difficult to implement.
We have the “sea-saw” metaphor. The idea: Say you and I are talking. We’re sitting on opposite ends of an underwater “sea-saw.” The reason we’re underwater is because most of us is hidden. I only see the tip of you and you only see the tip of me. But when I’m showing curiosity in you, it’s as though I’m pressing down on my end of the “sea-saw.” I’m helping to lift you up and I see a little more of you. Then when you start talking, I don’t just listen to learn, I listen with warmth and acceptance — without judgment. That’s hard to do, because we’re all judgmental. But that lifts you up even more. Then this is the hard part, but the idea is you will reciprocate. Then you show interest in me and ask me questions and get me to open up. Feeling loved is being known, and you do that through a “sea-saw.” It’s a back and forth.
I like the “sea-saw” idea because a lot of times I get in my head, like, “Say something interesting.” But it’s really more about being interested?
It’s incredibly hard to really cultivate curiosity in someone else’s inner life. It has to be genuine, but it really makes people feel seen, heard and loved. Remember the last time someone was so curious about you. Maybe you’re telling a story and they can’t wait for you to finish a sentence. They’re leaning in. Their eyes are bright. Charismatic people have that. It’s compelling. But we’re not going to feel loved if we don’t share something of ourselves with others, but you want to start small. Pacing is critical. You don’t want to overshare and trauma dump. Maybe start with a little thing. They say, “How are you?” Instead of saying fine, say, “I had a rough morning.” Or, “I’m struggling with a little thing today.” It doesn’t have to be negative. It can be, “I didn’t really like that movie that everyone loved.” That’s a little bit vulnerable.
And it’s letting go of a fear of being judged.
One of my favorite mindsets is the multiplicity mindset. It comes from trauma research. The idea is when we have a trauma in our life, it’s part of you, but it doesn’t define you. We’re a quilt of positive and negative traits. I’m generous at times, but sometimes I’m selfish and sometimes I’m loyal and sometimes I’m narcissistic. That’s true about me, and it’s true about everyone. But one trait doesn’t define us. So use a multiplicity lens when you’re talking to someone, and use it on yourself. Humans are messy, very complex, and full of bad and good traits. The opposite of that is to be judgmental. Being judgmental is something we have to overcome, so using a multiplicity lens takes some effort. So when you want to make someone feel loved, when they’re revealing something about themselves that they may be afraid to reveal, you make them feel accepted and that you see them in all that complexity. You feel loved when a person knows your secrets and still loves you.
And the book provides valuable insight into those moments when maybe you didn’t feel loved.
A couple of early readers of the book — we had finished the book but it wasn’t published yet — shocked me. They were both friends of mine. They said they loved it, but both of them decided to break up with their girlfriends after reading the book. One said to me, “I read your book and I realized she’s not sharing and I’m not sharing.” The other person said, “I realized my girlfriend stopped asking me questions.” We thought of this as prescriptive. “Here are the steps you can take.” They used it as a diagnostic. Were both of you sharing? Were both of you listening? Were both showing an open heart? And multiplicity: If you reveal something negative, is it seen with compassion? This really breaks it down. I don’t want people to break up with people, but if this sheds a light on a relationship, hopefully that means they can talk about it and improve it.
(Maggie Chiang / For The Times)
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