When Nerida’s husband took up a new hobby, she was annoyed at him – and herself

I didn’t react well to the arrival of my husband’s new (and vastly overpriced) bike. To anyone else, it would have been seen as a new and engaging hobby, but I saw it as something akin to the horror/sci-fi film Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

“You don’t understand,” I snapped at my husband as his new passion took hold. “I’ve known you to be one way for decades, and now you’re like someone else.”

Change, whether it’s something one party has created or an uncontrollable force, such as illness or injury, can be tough for most couples in long-term relationships, explains doctor of psychology Marny Lishman. “It’s challenging because it’s disruptive, uncomfortable, sometimes stressful and can feel uncertain,” she says. “That’s why it’s so important that we keep talking about how we’re feeling.”

Lishman recommends keeping an open dialogue, sharing your concerns with your partner and, in cases where your partner has made the changes, actively listening to better understand their motivations.

Here, three women whose marriages profoundly changed – whether by choice or chance – share their experiences.

“My husband became cycling-obsessed”: Nerida Yagan, 46

“Almost every memory I have has a version of Jason in it. Although we only officially got together when we were 21, we also went to high school together, where we had a common circle of friends. When I look back, I see endless snowboarding trips around the world and a lot of laughter. There was never any indication of any other hobby that could eclipse our shared love of a sport we now enjoy with our boys.

I didn’t think anything of it when a friend asked us to mind a road bike during the 2021 COVID-19 lockdowns, and Jason started taking it out for a few social rides. Obviously, it was great for health when we couldn’t do much else, but it soon became clear that his connection to cycling went far beyond casual.

Our home rapidly began filling up with bikes and all the cycling paraphernalia as he increased both the duration and the number of rides he’d go on each week. In 2022, he joined a cycling club where he began training seriously for racing events.

The intensity caught me off-guard. Although Jason talked to me about how much he got out of the sport – socially, mentally and physically – I was annoyed. Not only at Jason because our sons (now 15 and 12) were a lot younger then, but at myself for not noticing that this was a need of his.

His passion for cycling was difficult to navigate in the early days. There were times when I felt like all the responsibility of the household rested on my shoulders. Jason is mindful of how his training impacts the family so we realised we needed to actively communicate and coordinate to share the load. He’s usually out of the house before dawn and back by 7am or 8am on weekdays, so I’m on the morning shift, while he’s in charge in the evenings so that I can go to the gym or do whatever else I like.

On weekends, he tends to take longer rides, but if I’ve got something on he’ll find a way to work around my schedule. It’s really no different to couples navigating shift work.

When your partner finds an all-consuming hobby, open communication is important. Otherwise, you fall into the resentment trap, like ‘I’m the one doing all the work’ or ‘I’m always alone’. I like to look at the bigger picture: we now intentionally set aside quality couple’s time, and we often travel to big cycling events as a family. It’s so important that men have an outlet for social connection, and I’m glad our boys have such a great role model.”

“I became my husband’s carer”: Lisa Usher, 36

“Jake and I met on a Contiki tour of the United States back in 2012. We each returned home – Jake to Karratha, WA, and me to Sydney – wondering how we could make a long-distance relationship work. Once we met up again, we knew we wanted to try.

From day dot Jake has made me feel like I can take on anything. After five years of long-distance dating, we got engaged and I moved to Karratha – a huge step for someone who’d only ever lived with her parents.

After we got married in 2018, we thought our lives would take the usual ‘travel and start a family’ trajectory, and for a while we were on track – we took overseas holidays, spent weekends camping and got a cat. It was the happiest time of our lives.

Four years ago, at the age of 31, Jake was diagnosed with stage-four bowel cancer. It had already spread to his liver when it was discovered. Everything changed and would never be the same again.

Jake had surgery on his bowel but within weeks, the number of lesions grew from two to 14, so Jake had to have round after round of hard-hitting chemo. Overnight, I had to learn to navigate new terminology, medication and side effects, but also take on the role of sole breadwinner. The regular bills don’t stop during illness, and it’s a financial stress that’s exacerbated by the addition of eye-watering medical bills.

I’ve been by Jake’s side every step of the way, and he has fought hard. Unfortunately, the cancer continued to spread and by the end of last year we found out it had spread to Jake’s brain. I can’t stress how important early screening for bowel cancer is [Usher is an advocate for and works at Bowel Cancer Australia].

One of the hardest parts of helping your partner through illness is how it shifts your roles; you become patient and carer instead of husband and wife. There are days I stop and go, ‘When was the last time we spoke about anything other than cancer treatment or medication?’ We’ve had to consciously take time to do ‘couples’ things.

We spent the year he was cancer-free [2024] going to comedy shows and enjoying staycations, but now it’s more about playing board games or reading books together. Jake and I have been through a lot during the short marriage we’ve had, but I’m grateful for every second we have; our life together has been incredible.”

“My husband is away all the time”: Chiante Shortland, 31

“Epi and I had been following each other on Instagram for years when he booked in for a reading with me, as a medium. Straight away, I could see that he showed up as his most authentic self and I adored his confidence and energy. When he told me that he loved the way my mind worked, I felt intrigued enough to ask him out for coffee. It’s not something I would ordinarily do.

We had our first date on North Burleigh Beach, Qld, in 2023, and got married this year. Our vision for our life together was pretty clear; we would set up a property portfolio to create financial stability and freedom before we started a family.

We moved from the Gold Coast to Sydney, where Epi started his job as a tunneller and then, just as we were getting all our ducks in a row, we discovered I was pregnant. We moved back to the Gold Coast to be near our families and Epi got a FIFO [fly-in-fly-out] job at the Snowy Hydro Tunnel, where he alternates between a week at home followed by two weeks on site.

In the beginning, our long-distance marriage was great. I liked having the time to focus on my business and my own interests, and Epi felt the same. Now that I’m in my third trimester, I’ve found his absence quite difficult. It’s hard for me to do the everyday things like buying groceries, but I also miss the safety and intimacy of having him by my side.

At times when I feel down about the distance between us, I have to try to look at the bigger picture and remind myself what we’re trying to create for our family. I also know I’m lucky to have great family and friends to lean on.

Epi will be home for six weeks when I have the baby, and we’ll then have to reassess what we want our life to look like over the next few years. For financial reasons, we’d like to keep to this plan, this lifestyle, for the next two years, but we’ve also agreed that we’ll remain flexible.

In a long-distance relationship, it’s important to have your own independent life outside the marriage – filling your own cup is essential, but it’s just as important to keep communication lines open. Epi and I are constantly checking in with each other and discussing which needs are being met or not being met. Distance doesn’t mean you lose sight of what’s important.”

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