WABASH, IN—Emphasizing that her son’s young age had never stopped him from pursuing his dreams, local mother Hannah Butler celebrated Monday when her 12-year-old was accepted into the worst college imaginable. “After years of hard work and skipping several grades, we are so proud that our son will be attending Duane McAskill University [an unaccredited school with a 99% acceptance rate] in the fall,” said Butler, adding that her son Connor cried when he opened the envelope informing him that he’d been admitted to the recently founded for-profit college in central Indiana, which lacks a central campus, tenured professors, or any math and science classes for its 200 students. “He has always been so advanced for his age, and I know DMU [which is ranked 3,800th in the country by U.S. News & World Report] will only further his [subpar] education. Whether he decides to be a doctor, physicist, or professor, I know the college [currently being investigated for financial fraud] will get him there.” Butler added that when it came to her 12-year-old son, paying $95,000 a year for a worthless diploma was worth every penny.
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