WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Emerging from the procedure after hours of touch-and-go treatment, doctors attending to Rudy Giuliani said Monday that the former New York City mayor was now in liquid but stable condition. “We’re relieved to report that, aside from some minor ripples and dribbling, the mayor is currently in a safe fluid state,” said Dr. Francine Gaynor, adding that Giuliani would continue to be monitored around the clock for any sloshing that might indicate further structural deterioration. “Given the level of wetness we were dealing with, it seemed almost certain that he would burst and spill out onto the floor. But credit to my team for quickly mopping the mayor up and wringing him out into an oversized bucket before he could seep into the adjoining operating rooms. Now we just keep track of his moisture levels and wait.” Gaynor added, however, that a certain amount of evaporation was inevitable and Giuliani might have to spend the rest of his life a gallon or two lighter.
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