If you love rats, you’re going to love this exclusive cruise on a rat-infested ship departing from Southampton port and journeying all the way to the Galapagos Islands. You read that right. Ever wondered what it’s like to enjoy a cruise on a luxury liner where the hygiene standards are so low that rats defecate over your food whilst you eat? The Hantavirus Cruise will blow your fucking gallbladder and shred your kidneys with its delights. Ever wondered what it’s like to piss out of your arse? With no gastric tract left, and your internal organs all failing at once, you just might.
The ship’s motto, proudly displayed for this exclusive cruise, will be:
“One Cruise. Ten Thousand Fucking Rats.”
Deck & Entertainment Highlights
“Rat Droppings Bingo”
Passengers receive cards with rodent-pellet patterns. Real-time rat activity across the ship is projected on giant screens. First person to yell “Hanta!” after a confirmed fresh dropping wins a free drink (served in a suspiciously damp paper cup).
Rat Urine Soaked Shuffleboard
Classic shuffleboard, but the pucks glide through strategically placed puddles of authentic rodent essence. Bonus points if your puck lands in a fresh wet spot. Winners get their photo taken with the ship’s “Rodent Ambassador”.
Midnight Rat Scavenger Hunt
Teams hunt for the biggest, boldest rats in the ship’s kitchens. Bonus items include a fresh urine trail, perfectly formed droppings, and a rat that looks like it’s judging you. Grand prize: an upgraded cabin (with visible gnaw marks).
“Aerosol Appreciation Hour”
Held in the poorly ventilated lower decks where the disadvantaged Filipino staff dwell. Staff enthusiastically sweep old nesting material while guests breathe deeply and share “my first hantavirus symptoms” stories. Complimentary vomit buckets are provided.
Fecal Face Painting
Using all-natural, ethically sourced organic rodent droppings mixed with glitter and essential oils. The more artistic the rat-poop portrait on your face, the louder the applause.
The Great Cabin Contamination Contest
Guests compete to see whose cabin accumulates the most wildlife activity by the end of the cruise. Judges (wearing hazmat suits) score based on the number of rats, urine puddles, suppurating boils on the skin, and nesting quality. The winner gets their cabin name engraved on a commemorative plague before being thrown overboard.
Rat Tail Cocktail Mixing Class
Learn to make signature drinks like: The Hanta Margarita (extra salt rim + mystery wet slightly crunchy garnish)
Droppings Old Fashioned Piss Spritz (sparkling, with a special kick)
“Don’t Clean the Cabin” Challenge
A week-long competition where the person whose cabin looks (and smells) the most lived-in by rodents wins a free visit to the Titanic wreck in an experimental, makeshift submarine constructed from carbon fibre-reinforced plastic controlled with a PlayStation controller. Housekeeping is strictly forbidden.
Evening Entertainment
Rodent Roulette
Live rats released onto a spinning wheel with numbered slots. Where the rat pees or poops determines which table gets complimentary appetisers… as well as severe gastroenteritis.
Sunset “Breath of Fresh Hanta” Yoga
On the top deck at dusk. Inhale deeply as the breeze carries fine particles from the lower decks. Bonus poses include “Downward Dropping Rat” and “Warrior of Aerosolised Rat Urine.”
Disembarkation Souvenir Station
Take home your very own sealed vial of cruise-collected droppings or a framed photo of the exact rat that visited your pillow.
To win free tickets on the Hantavirus Cruise, send a self-addressed envelope to DS Hantavirus Cruise Comp. P.O. Box 3843, LONDON, W4D 1TB, with a photo of your favourite politician…ahem…we meant rat.
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