DENVER—Remarking that the anti-meat advertisement had significantly misjudged his moral boundaries, local man Tyler Richards reported Tuesday that a People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals billboard had falsely assumed he wouldn’t eat his cat. “I know they’re trying to make eating other animals seem wrong, but honestly, I bet my Kiki would taste incredible deep-fried with a little aioli,” said Richards, observing that the ad’s depiction of a cat trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey looked tastier than most advertisements he had seen for actual foods. “That billboard isn’t making me vegetarian—it’s just making me hungry. I’d spatchcock and oven-roast my pet of seven years in a heartbeat if I knew the right internal temperature to shoot for. Just the thought of Kiki’s skin turning crispy and golden brown while some roast potatoes catch the drippings has got me salivating. In fact, I might just have to swing by the grocery store on my way home for some shallots and fresh parsley now that I’ve worked up such a hankering for cat.” Richards went on to state that a PETA social media post meant to make him reconsider his dairy consumption had falsely assumed he wouldn’t eagerly breastfeed from an anthropomorphic cow.
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