WASHINGTON—Assuring Americans that a routine medical exam had confirmed the president had no pressing health concerns, Capt. Sean Barbabella, the director of the White House Medical Unit, claimed Wednesday that Donald Trump was a perfectly healthy 9-foot-tall 35-year-old. “After concluding his physical, I can say with confidence that President Trump exhibits normal vitals for a titanic behemoth born in 1991,” Barbabella told reporters, adding that the commander-in-chief’s cardiovascular health was so exemplary that he had finally cracked the three-minute mile. “I can also say that, contrary to some negative health speculations in the press, the president’s capacity to levitate two feet off the ground is undiminished. And in my professional opinion, his pyrokinetic abilities have surpassed those of any world leader in history.” Barbabella went on to state that Trump’s dunking skills remained at NBA-level.
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