THE NEXT LEVEL—Still reaping the benefits of a mass suicide timed to coincide with the arrival of the Hale–Bopp comet, members of the Heaven’s Gate cult told reporters Friday they were looking forward to this month’s anniversary celebration of their 29th euphoric year on the highest plane of existence. “Shedding my human vehicle and transcending to a higher evolutionary level was the best decision I ever made,” said Heaven’s Gate member Sam Clybourne, adding that while he may have been nervous about participating in a ritual that required him to consume phenobarbital-laced apple sauce, drink vodka, and then asphyxiate himself with a plastic bag, his travels aboard a comet-trailing UFO had made it all worthwhile. “It’s great up here, what can I say? I’m living in a utopic realm of superhuman perfection, and my new alien body is incorruptible, genderless, and free from all suffering. It’s nothing but pure bliss every day! Plus, I still get to wear my Nike Decades all the time.” Heaven’s Gate members confirmed everyone was welcome to join them in eternal ecstasy when the Hale–Bopp comet next passed Earth in 4385.
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