The one word I’m trying to say to my children more

If you’ve seen the 2021 movie Yes Day, starring Jennifer Garner, you would be well aware of the potential for things to go awry when kids get (almost) unlimited “yeses”.

But when my best friend’s kids recently earned the mother of rewards for excellent behaviour – their very own “yes day” – she was pleasantly surprised. She filled up her petrol tank and had her credit card at the ready, expecting to cart her five- and nine-year-old boys to the zoo and Timezone and wherever else they forever beg to go.

Instead, they awoke happily and asked if they could go to the nearest Westfield to spend their pocket money on a new Beyblade (a spinning toy, for those not accustomed). Stoked, they then asked if they please could go home to play with their simple new toy. She offered sushi or McDonald’s, and they politely said they’d probably rather just have a toastie at home.

By 2pm, she was reading her book on the couch while the boys had Beyblade battles, asking herself if she should be saying yes more often.

After all, as lovely as her boys are, they’re pretty ordinary kids and absolutely willing to whinge for anything and everything on a trip to the shops. Suddenly, though, when they had power over their day, resistance melted away and they showed genuine wants that were pretty meagre.

My friend is six months ahead of me in this wild parenting journey, so I did what I’ve been doing for almost 10 years of weaning, toileting and meltdown management: took a leaf out of her book.

While I haven’t pulled out a “yes day” yet, I’ve begun looking for opportunities to soften some of the incessant “nos” in my house to reduce the power struggle. And the result has been incredible.

Bath and shower time had become a daily source of friction, with kids loathing the idea of scrubbing off their scum. So, I introduced a “free” night each week. Now, once a week on a day of their choosing, they can skip the shower, no questions asked. Sure, I cringe when they take their sandy socks off and climb into bed, but suddenly, there are far fewer grumps about bathing on the other six days a week – they know they have a power play in their back pocket.

It’s a similar situation at mealtimes.

Tiring of the incessant whinging about whatever dinner I’ve put in front of them, we’ve introduced a weekly “free” meal. They can raid the fridge and cupboards and make whatever they like for dinner, as long as it’s within cooee of a core food. They end up smashing a bowl of WeetBix or canned spaghetti and have far less angst over the broccoli I dish out the next night, knowing they have autonomy at least some of the time.

Family therapist Dr Jenny Brown, founder of the Parent Hope Project, and author of The Parenting Paradox: Loving Our Children by Giving Them Space to Grow, is not surprised that kids are less demanding than we expect when the ball is in their court.

“When we’re constantly saying no, persuading, correcting and trying to manage our children’s behaviour all the time, the parent and the child get locked into this cycle of resistance,” she says.

“A ‘yes day’ is great in that it can reveal many of the battles that parents are in are not about the thing itself, but a reaction pattern that’s become a habit. I like the idea of a day that breaks the pattern.”

Brown is at pains to point out that saying “yes” more often is not about accommodating our child’s every whim all the time, but rather it’s a circuit-breaker that gives the kid a chance at autonomy.

“When our kids experience some genuine breathing space of choice, they often surprise us [and show] their actual needs are much simpler than we imagine,” she says.

“The lesson of the ‘yes day’ isn’t that children need to be indulged all the time, it’s that parents need to step out of this exhausting cycle of trying to manage our children because our kids need to manage themselves.”

Dr Kimberley O’Brien, principal child psychologist at the Quirky Kid Clinic, agrees that giving kids more agency can help with some behavioural issues.

“Kids need to practise making good choices, and when kids are given that opportunity to have some influence over the family and be heard, they often want to make a good choice – and that’s why you might have the child saying, ‘I’ll just have toasties at home’,” she says.

“If there’s too much control, kids are going to feel frustrated and act out, just like with adults not wanting to be micromanaged at work.”

If you’re curious about trying a “yes day” reward, O’Brien urges parents not to put ideas in their kids’ heads.

“If you say, ‘We can go to the zoo or we can go to McDonald’s’, you’re kind of leading the options,” she says. “I love the idea of not leading it and seeing naturally what comes up for them. It could be really insightful.”

Like me, O’Brien says many parents could adopt lessons from the “yes day” concept.

“If you notice some trigger points where you have that feeling of ‘I’m pushing and they’re pulling’, why don’t you brainstorm together?” she asks.

“You might say, ‘I feel like we’re doing well in this area, but what about that part? Have you guys got any ideas how we could make that better?’ ”

And if you’re lucky enough to get a “yes day” request as simple as toasties and quiet play at home, O’Brien says you can probably pat yourself on the back: “That says to me that those kids are super settled and comfortable – I think that’s a good result for that family”.

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