WASHINGTON—Offering new insight into the origins of America’s founding document, a group of leading historians published a report this week theorizing that the Declaration of Independence started out as Twilight fan fiction. “Based on newly unearthed correspondence between our nation’s Founding Fathers, we hypothesize that the document that ultimately became the Declaration originated as a non-canonical work of vampire romantasy fiction featuring Edward Cullen and Bella Swan,” said historian Silas Glenford, adding that most direct references to the Twilight series were ultimately replaced with passages proclaiming the 13 colonies as independent sovereign states to avoid infringing on Stephenie Meyer’s copyright. “Thomas Jefferson’s opposition to the original draft’s enemies-to-lovers plot line appears to have steered the document toward a focus on grievances with British colonial rule, which the pro-Jakeward faction of the Founding Fathers accepted as a compromise to defeat Benjamin Franklin’s efforts to include several graphic werewolf sex scenes with his own self-insert character. George Washington in particular likely fought tooth and nail to keep the Declaration’s depiction of King George as a BDSM-obsessed vampire, though the true reason this was omitted in the final document is a mystery known only to those present at the Second Continental Congress.” At press time, Glenford added that X-ray analysis suggested that the founders initially signed the Declaration under the pen name Drakeblood Demonfire before its success prompted them to sign again using their own names.
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