LOW EARTH ORBIT—Smiling and waving triumphantly as their celestial forms floated through the cosmos, America’s Founding Fathers appeared in the sky over the United States on Saturday to wish the greatest nation on earth a happy 250th birthday.
“Happy semiquincentennial, America,” said the enormous, beaming visage of George Washington, who materialized in the thermosphere alongside Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, and others after a red, white, and blue star shot across the sky. “Just because we died and our souls went to outer space doesn’t mean we’ve forgotten about you. Watching you from above only makes us love you more!”
“We are so proud of everything you’ve done to make this the best country in the universe,” the first U.S. president added as he batted away an errant satellite while celebratory fife and drum music echoed across the Milky Way. “And remember, if you need us, we’re always just a few galaxies away.”
In an emotional speech, a teary-eyed Washington told the nation that although he died in 1799 of a throat infection, he had in the years since eagerly watched over America from 4,000 light-years away on planet Nebulon, mourning when his native Virginia fell to the Union during the Civil War and cheering on the United States during its glorious military campaigns across Asia and the Middle East.
Flanked by the spirits of his esteemed fellow members of the Continental Congress, Washington reiterated that despite the many planets they visited, alien races they slaughtered, and wars they waged throughout the universe, America would always be the best place they ever colonized.
“See, America, it was scary when we died, but you’re more than capable of being a country without us!” said the celestial form of Thomas Jefferson, whose eyes twinkled as he appeared alongside the spirit of his slave Sally Hemings and several of their children. “You have faced so many atrocious challenges: the Nazis, the Russians, hippies, immigrants, and two Catholic presidents! But you never once backed down.”
“When you dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima, I said to myself, ‘They’re going to be okay,’” Jefferson continued with a chuckle. “And based on your current government, we know you are in good hands.”
Several reports indicated that Jefferson then snapped his fingers and summoned the spirits of many deceased Native Americans and African slaves, as well as dead Iraqi, Afghan, and Vietnamese children, all of whom floated in the sky and said that Americans should be proud of their history and that any disagreements or misunderstandings from the past were now “water under the bridge.”
Washington congratulated the United States on “all the beautiful slaughter to come” and, with a wink, said, “Oh, by the way, watch out for the famine.” According to reports, the Founding Fathers then faded off into the distance, leaving behind constellations in the shapes of their faces.
“I looked out my window and saw the Founding Fathers flying across the sky on a giant space eagle,” said Seattle resident Angie Freedman, who was awoken Saturday by the sound of a bugle playing the national anthem. “They talked a lot about how painful dying was and how there’s still syphilis in space, but it was amazing to hear how much they loved us. I waved at Alexander Hamilton, and he actually smiled and waved back!”
“It made me proud to be an American,” Freedman added. “Even though Benedict Arnold was there for some reason.”
At press time, 340 million Americans were heard cheering raucously as the Founding Fathers returned for an encore and chanted “USA! USA!” while blood rained down across the country.
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