BURBANK, CA—Tunneling upward out of the darkness where they had lain in wait for
13 years, the latest brood of Disney child stars reportedly emerged from the ground Monday, filling the air with their mindless droning.
Thousands of spunky young actors, part of the child performer population known as Brood D, were spotted bursting out of the soil en masse within the 51-acre Walt Disney Studios campus, where they wriggled through the grass on their bellies in search of a vertical surface to climb up and cling to. Earsplitting screeches were heard as the child stars frantically delivered lines from yet-to-exist scripts about surfers who were secretly werewolves, preteen mayors who could speak to animals, and triplets separated at birth and suddenly reunited at the same hip-hop boarding school.
“These small but loud crea-
tures are part of a natural phenomenon unique to the West Coast of the United States and parts of Florida,” said Hollywood biologist Alexa Rohani, who shouted to be heard over the din of the buzzing child stars as she explained that members of the Disney brood were easy to identify based on their bright eyes, fresh faces, and colorful exoskeletons. “Miley Cyrus, Britney Spears, Selena Gomez, Zac Efron, Sabrina Carpenter, Ryan Gosling, Olivia Rodrigo—nearly all of the most recognizable Disney child stars started out burrowed deep down in the dirt, feeding on nutrients from the roots of plants.”
Droves of child stars were seen hanging off the sides of palm trees, soundstages, and the studio lot water tower as they prepared to molt for screen tests and audition season. Employees and visitors covered their ears at the sound of the “maddening” racket, some running into the building with their bags held protectively in front of their faces to keep the swarming performers from smacking into them.
Rohani attributed the Disney child stars’ incredible noisiness to their unique anatomy, noting that they have special organs called tymbals that allow just one of the organisms to produce upbeat, radio-friendly singles exploring themes such as staying true to yourself and being in the mood to dance at decibel levels comparable to that of a freight train. The biologist observed that while many people who encountered the brood considered them to be annoying or frightening, the talented youths were perfectly harmless.
“They’re everywhere!” said 54-year-old executive Susan Cassidy, who swatted at a group of child stars that were buzzing about their ability to juggle, do a backflip, and cry on command, skills they claimed they could perform simultaneously if a scene called for it. “They’re disgusting. I hate this time of year. I can’t even get from my car to the front door without stepping on at least one multihyphenate.”
According to sources, the event was the largest to occur since the dual Nickelodeon-Disney emergence of 2010, which included then-child stars Ariana Grande and Zendaya. While both broods belonged to the genus
Singdancactera, the Nickelodeon brood could reportedly be differentiated by its more territorial and aggressive behavior and distinct song “Nick nick nick nick ni-nick nick nick.”
“Yes, their numbers may look overwhelming at a glance, but it’s important to remember that many of these Disney child stars won’t make it, falling prey to creepy dialogue coaches, overbearing stage moms, and even hungry animals before they ever get the chance to mate,” Rohani said as a plucky blond preteen wearing polka dot leggings and a hot-pink denim vest was seized by the jaws of a passing goldendoodle, causing its owner to shout, “Gross, Winston—drop it!”
“It’s the circle of life,” Rohani added.
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