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Wed, 28 Oct 2026 00:22:00 +0000
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Wed, 28 Oct 2026 13:00:00 +0000
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ADELAIDE, AUSTRALIA—Refusing to inform the press or the man’s emergency contacts until they could nail down the vocabulary for the press conference, local authorities were reportedly waiting Wednesday to release the details of a hiker’s death until they had learned the correct collective noun for emus. “Is it a band? A gaggle? We don’t want […]
The post Authorities Wait To Release Details Of Hiker’s Death Until They Learn Correct Collective Noun For Emus appeared first on The Onion.
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ADELAIDE, AUSTRALIA—Refusing to inform the press or the man’s emergency contacts until they could nail down the vocabulary for the press conference, local authorities were reportedly waiting Wednesday to release the details of a hiker’s death until they had learned the correct collective noun for emus. “Is it a band? A gaggle? We don’t want to look like fools when we finally let loved ones know this guy is dead,” said Chief Inspector Lee Matthews of the South Australia Police, asking his colleagues if they knew whether there was one word for just a few emus and a different term for a larger group of, in this case, 25. “A disembowelment of emus would be too ironic. Maybe it’s the same as ostriches? Shit, that one is just a flock? Is that right? We have to be sure, and I’m certain his family will appreciate a few more hours of hope. Plus, we are going to look like idiots if we just say he was ripped to bloody shreds by a fleet of emus and it’s not right. I mean, it says here a group of larks is called an exaltation. That’s the crazy stuff I’m worried about. Throng? Jubilation? Oh, wait, I found it—it looks like he was killed by a mob of emus. That’s pretty good, actually.” At press time, Matthews had further delayed contacting the hiker’s family until local authorities could determine if there was a special term for when emus feed by peeling out their prey’s entrails.
The post Authorities Wait To Release Details Of Hiker’s Death Until They Learn Correct Collective Noun For Emus appeared first on The Onion.
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1851708820
Wed, 28 Oct 2026 13:00:00 +0000
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The post Electric Chair Still Warm From Last Guy appeared first on The Onion.
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The post Electric Chair Still Warm From Last Guy appeared first on The Onion.
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1851709762
Annabelle Opens Up About Struggle Of Being Typecast As Haunted Doll
Wed, 28 Oct 2026 13:00:00 +0000
Annabelle Opens Up About Struggle Of Being Typecast As Haunted Doll
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LOS ANGELES—Discussing her craft in a wide-ranging interview with reporters, porcelain actress Annabelle opened up Tuesday about the struggle of being typecast as a haunted doll. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m eternally grateful to the Conjuring universe for launching my career, but it becomes difficult to grow as an artist when you’re basically playing the same […]
The post Annabelle Opens Up About Struggle Of Being Typecast As Haunted Doll appeared first on The Onion.
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LOS ANGELES—Discussing her craft in a wide-ranging interview with reporters, porcelain actress Annabelle opened up Tuesday about the struggle of being typecast as a haunted doll. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m eternally grateful to the Conjuring universe for launching my career, but it becomes difficult to grow as an artist when you’re basically playing the same demonically possessed character over and over again,” said the franchise star, who revealed that she had originally auditioned for the role of paranormal investigator Lorraine Warren in The Conjuring, and although she did not land the part, director James Wan called her the very next day and announced he was creating a whole new cursed toy character with her in mind. “I had a chemistry read with Patrick Wilson, who would have played my husband, but ultimately the part of Lorraine went to Vera [Farmiga]. No hard feelings there, of course! Vera’s the best. All I’m saying is that being pigeonholed can be a frustrating experience. When my agent forwarded me the screenplay to M3GAN, I got excited, thinking it was some cool sci-fi feminist thing, but then I started reading and discovered it was about—surprise, surprise—a doll that kills people. Immediate delete.” At press time, Annabelle had dropped the shocking revelation that she would have loved to do a cameo in Barbie, but filmmaker Greta Gerwig had not returned her agent’s calls.
The post Annabelle Opens Up About Struggle Of Being Typecast As Haunted Doll appeared first on The Onion.
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1851709766
Tue, 27 Oct 2026 21:04:21 +0000
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Japan passed deeply unpopular revisions surrounding imperial succession that allows only males to ascend to emperor, snubbing the popular Japanese Princess Aiko from becoming empress. What do you think?
The post Japan Enshrines Male-Only Imperial Succession appeared first on The Onion.
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“A frickin’ chick emperor? Actually, that sounds kind of cool.”
Dirk Harles, Mulch Spreader
“Women should start their own Japanese monarchy.”
Jack Meyers, Part-Time Calligrapher
The post Japan Enshrines Male-Only Imperial Succession appeared first on The Onion.
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1851709750
Tue, 27 Oct 2026 19:58:55 +0000
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The post Should Food Cost More? appeared first on The Onion.
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The post Should Food Cost More? appeared first on The Onion.
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1851709744
Scene That Took Stop-Motion Animator 120 Hours To Make Texted Through
Tue, 27 Oct 2026 17:35:19 +0000
Scene That Took Stop-Motion Animator 120 Hours To Make Texted Through
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The post Scene That Took Stop-Motion Animator 120 Hours To Make Texted Through appeared first on The Onion.
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The post Scene That Took Stop-Motion Animator 120 Hours To Make Texted Through appeared first on The Onion.
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1851709736
Most Of Woman’s College Memories Walking Home Crying In Halloween Makeup
Tue, 27 Oct 2026 13:00:00 +0000
Most Of Woman’s College Memories Walking Home Crying In Halloween Makeup
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OMAHA, NE—Admitting she recalled little else from her four years as an undergraduate, local woman Ally Biederman confirmed Tuesday that most of her college memories involved walking home while crying in Halloween makeup. “Pretty much all I remember from 2013 to 2017 is drunkenly stumbling back to my dorm with Halloween face paint running down […]
The post Most Of Woman’s College Memories Walking Home Crying In Halloween Makeup appeared first on The Onion.
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OMAHA, NE—Admitting she recalled little else from her four years as an undergraduate, local woman Ally Biederman confirmed Tuesday that most of her college memories involved walking home while crying in Halloween makeup. “Pretty much all I remember from 2013 to 2017 is drunkenly stumbling back to my dorm with Halloween face paint running down my cheeks,” said the 31-year-old, adding that any other recollections of her social or academic life had been eclipsed by the nights she’d spent standing in the quad sobbing off the elaborate makeup she’d applied for her Frankenstein, zombie nurse, and “Sexy Mario” costumes. “I have a degree, so clearly I must have studied and attended classes. But for the most part, the only impressions that remain are crying so hard in a frat house basement that my Mario mustache came off, squeezing into the back of an Uber with yellow Minion makeup streaming down my face, and sitting hungover in a dining hall still dressed in the same mermaid costume I’d worn the night before.” Biederman also told reporters that despite graduating magna cum laude, being admitted to graduate school, and meeting her future husband, she had no memories from her entire senior year except getting her stomach pumped while dressed like a mime.
The post Most Of Woman’s College Memories Walking Home Crying In Halloween Makeup appeared first on The Onion.
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1851708116
Panicked Kylie Jenner Accidentally Washes $50 Million Fantasy Bra On Regular Cycle
Mon, 26 Oct 2026 18:35:28 +0000
Panicked Kylie Jenner Accidentally Washes $50 Million Fantasy Bra On Regular Cycle
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HIDDEN HILLS, CA—Muttering “Oh shit” as she realized her mistake, media personality Kylie Jenner was reportedly panicking Monday after accidentally washing the $50 million Victoria’s Secret Fantasy Bra on a regular cycle. “I was probably supposed to use the delicate setting, but now the lid’s locked, so what can I do?” said Jenner, who cursed […]
The post Panicked Kylie Jenner Accidentally Washes $50 Million Fantasy Bra On Regular Cycle appeared first on The Onion.
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HIDDEN HILLS, CA—Muttering “Oh shit” as she realized her mistake, media personality Kylie Jenner was reportedly panicking Monday after accidentally washing the $50 million Victoria’s Secret Fantasy Bra on a regular cycle. “I was probably supposed to use the delicate setting, but now the lid’s locked, so what can I do?” said Jenner, who cursed herself for forgetting to read the care instructions on the tag of the four-pound, diamond-encrusted garment before tossing it into the machine with boyfriend Timothée Chalamet’s gym clothes. “Fuck, I should have at least put it in one of those little mesh bags. And hopefully the fabric softener doesn’t make it less sparkly. Diamonds are supposed to be indestructible, right? Isn’t that the whole point of diamonds? Eh, whatever. A bra’s for wearing under other stuff anyway.” At press time, sources confirmed that the bra came out intact, emboldening Jenner to stuff her 10-foot Victoria’s Secret angel wings into the washer next.
The post Panicked Kylie Jenner Accidentally Washes $50 Million Fantasy Bra On Regular Cycle appeared first on The Onion.
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1851709482
Election Officials Warn That Ballots Tied To Stray Cat Unlikely To Arrive In Time
Mon, 26 Oct 2026 18:24:20 +0000
Election Officials Warn That Ballots Tied To Stray Cat Unlikely To Arrive In Time
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LANSING, MI—Urging the public to use the most reliable methods available to submit their vote, election officials across the country warned Monday that a ballot tied to stray cat would likely not arrive in time. “Unfortunately, finding a stray tabby under a car and gently tying your ballot to its tail with a ribbon almost […]
The post Election Officials Warn That Ballots Tied To Stray Cat Unlikely To Arrive In Time appeared first on The Onion.
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LANSING, MI—Urging the public to use the most reliable methods available to submit their vote, election officials across the country warned Monday that a ballot tied to stray cat would likely not arrive in time. “Unfortunately, finding a stray tabby under a car and gently tying your ballot to its tail with a ribbon almost certainly ensures your vote will miss the deadline for counting,” said Michigan Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson, adding that laying out a few treats in a trail and nudging the animal in the direction of the city clerk’s office would not accelerate the process. “Cats are notoriously distractible, and every minute wasted stalking a moth or snoozing on a patch of sunny pavement increases the risk that your voice will not be heard in this critical midterm election. If you are nowhere near a ballot drop box or even a standard mailbox and have no other alternative, at least select a stray that seems to be in good health and capable of evading coyotes, hawks, and other predators. It is unlikely those animals will assume possession of your ballot and carry it to its final destination.” Benson went on to say that voters with no access to any other method could simply tie their ballot to a balloon, which arrives by the deadline 98% of the time.
The post Election Officials Warn That Ballots Tied To Stray Cat Unlikely To Arrive In Time appeared first on The Onion.
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1851709693
Years Of Learning To Love Self Undone By Single Glimpse Of Body In Self-Checkout Camera
Mon, 26 Oct 2026 13:00:00 +0000
Years Of Learning To Love Self Undone By Single Glimpse Of Body In Self-Checkout Camera
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SAN DIEGO—The brief moment proving to be all that was necessary to completely eviscerate her self image, area woman Alena Reese reportedly had years of learning to love herself undone Monday by a single glimpse of her body in the self-checkout camera at Target. “Well, I guess that’s decades of attempting to maintain a positive […]
The post Years Of Learning To Love Self Undone By Single Glimpse Of Body In Self-Checkout Camera appeared first on The Onion.
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SAN DIEGO—The brief moment proving to be all that was necessary to completely eviscerate her self image, area woman Alena Reese reportedly had years of learning to love herself undone Monday by a single glimpse of her body in the self-checkout camera at Target. “Well, I guess that’s decades of attempting to maintain a positive view of myself up in smoke now that I’ve accidentally caught sight of my disgusting, sweaty frame on the screen there,” said Reese, who confirmed that the countless therapy sessions and lifetime of emotional growth that had allowed her to achieve a degree of self-acceptance were no match for the horrifying eyeful of her face and figure. “I was having a reasonably good day, feeling all right about where I was in the world, and then, bang! All gone. Look at that wretched troll. Has my nose always been so big? And my blotchy skin. Christ, is this really what I look like? Is this what other people see when they look at me? Oh God, it’s a wonder they don’t put me on display in some sort of freak show.” At press time, Reese had reportedly put back the ice cream and Doritos she had planned on purchasing in favor of a head of lettuce and teeth whitening strips.
The post Years Of Learning To Love Self Undone By Single Glimpse Of Body In Self-Checkout Camera appeared first on The Onion.
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1851708724
Career Experts Advise Job Applicants To Send Interviewer Follow-Up Blackmail
Mon, 26 Oct 2026 13:00:00 +0000
Career Experts Advise Job Applicants To Send Interviewer Follow-Up Blackmail
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NEW YORK—Stressing the importance of circling back to how much a prospective employer has to lose if they don’t follow instructions, a group of career experts issued a recommendation Monday advising job candidates to send their interviewer a follow-up blackmail. “Applicants often worry they’ll come across as overly assertive or annoying if they reach out […]
The post Career Experts Advise Job Applicants To Send Interviewer Follow-Up Blackmail appeared first on The Onion.
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NEW YORK—Stressing the importance of circling back to how much a prospective employer has to lose if they don’t follow instructions, a group of career experts issued a recommendation Monday advising job candidates to send their interviewer a follow-up blackmail. “Applicants often worry they’ll come across as overly assertive or annoying if they reach out to threaten a hiring manager more than once, but most employers we’ve spoken to appreciate a reminder that a candidate has a video of them in a compromising position,” said staffing coach William Blumington, confirming that applicants shouldn’t feel embarrassed to send a few lines about how much they enjoyed watching the employer in bed with someone other than their spouse. “A follow-up blackmail is a good place to establish that your interviewer is playing a very dangerous game if he thinks he can ignore you, and to gently highlight your ability to send photos of him doing drugs or partying with minors to all of the company’s board members. As long as you’re clear and forthright, a communiqué like this shows that you have initiative and that this job is important enough for you to make their lives a living hell.” Blumington added that if interviewees had not heard back from an employer after two weeks, they should assume he had killed himself out of shame and move on to better extortion prospects.
The post Career Experts Advise Job Applicants To Send Interviewer Follow-Up Blackmail appeared first on The Onion.
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1851708728
Mon, 26 Oct 2026 13:00:00 +0000
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As the race for control of Congress heats up, politicians on both sides of the aisle are making their case to the American people. The Onion highlights the most pivotal contests to watch in the 2026 election cycle. Abdul El-Sayed vs. Mike Rogers (Senate, Michigan): Republicans find out how much juice is left in the […]
The post Midterm Races To Watch In 2026 appeared first on The Onion.
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As the race for control of Congress heats up, politicians on both sides of the aisle are making their case to the American people. The Onion highlights the most pivotal contests to watch in the 2026 election cycle.
Abdul El-Sayed vs. Mike Rogers (Senate, Michigan): Republicans find out how much juice is left in the ol’ 9/11 orange.
100 Starving Contestants (House, North Carolina): Only one person can win MrBeast’s newest game and become the freshman congressional rep for North Carolina’s 3rd Congressional District.
Susan Collins vs. Graham Platner (Senate, Maine): Platner remains on the ballot for people who really haven’t been keeping up with the news.
Cory Booker vs. Justin Murphy (Senate, New Jersey): Nothing too crazy, but it’s still nice to show Cory some love after his breakup with Rosario Dawson.
Pramila Jayapal vs. No, I’m The Real Pramila Jayapal (House, Washington): The winner of this race will be whoever can answer questions that only the real Pramila Jayapal would know.
Amy Acton vs. Vivek Ramaswamy (Governor, Ohio): Ramaswamy is betting it all with last-minute efforts targeting voters in the Psychopath Belt.
Farley Burns vs. Amanda Garvey (Dungeon Master, Akron, OH): Both are excellent choices, but only one can lead this homebrew D&D campaign to legendary success.
Angie Nixon vs. Ashley Moody (Senate, Florida): A high-stakes race to determine which politician gets the hell out of Florida.
James Talarico vs. Jeffrey Epstein (Senator, Texas): Polls show Talarico narrowly ahead of the reemergent sex trafficker.
Sam Edwards vs. Betsy Sinclair (City Council Representative, Your City): This race for your local city council seat will have by far the greatest impact on you, making it a little strange how much more you know about a Senate race happening 12 states away.
The post Midterm Races To Watch In 2026 appeared first on The Onion.
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Disclaimer : This story is auto aggregated by a computer programme and has not been created or edited by DOWNTHENEWS. Publisher: theonion.com
