NEW YORK—Donning antlers and hooded robes as a fawn’s entrails were spilled onto the raised platform of the bell podium, New York Stock Exchange officials continued their annual tradition Friday of opening spirit realm stock trading for one night of the year. “Only in the twilight of the hunter’s moon, when the veil between our worlds is the thinnest, can such high-yield opportunities be summoned,” said NYSE president Lynn Martin, who then downed a cup of deer’s blood as traders rushed to the imps, phantoms, and shrieking white banshees that emerged from a shadowy vortex and began selling miasma futures. “The specters of bull markets past are eager to trade on this most portentous night of the quarter, and their burning money flows into Lockheed Martin, Nestlé, and Palantir. Their gold glitters, and their fundamentals shift and morph before your very eyes, with currency hedges that are ephemeral and maddening. This is a realm without regulation or oversight, where wraiths and revenants wander for eternity seeking their fortune. But be wary of the gentle songs these spectral beings tempt you with, as some of their investment opportunities can carry a terrible curse, whether you end up with your soul forever bound to an undying company or, perhaps, owning Tesla stock.” At press time, NYSE traders were reportedly scrambling to close the portal to the spirit realm with Latin chants and holy water as Larry Ellison attempted to break through onto the trading floor.
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