Satirical News

Uncarved Pumpkin Struggling With Survivor’s Guilt

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RALEIGH, NC—Racked with shame as it contemplated the fact that it remained unscathed nearly a week after Halloween, a local pumpkin confirmed Friday that it...

Timeline Of U.S. Arms Sales

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The U.S. military-industrial complex is the largest in the world, supplying arms to countries across the globe. The Onion takes a look at the...
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Tate McRae Reveals If She Stops Dancing She Dies

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NEW YORK—Responding to the question of what she believed was the biggest misconception the public had about her, pop...

Glistening, Ice-Cold Beer Makes Compelling Case For Losing Custody

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COOKEVILLE, TN—With the argument before him appearing completely airtight, local man Ron Bingham told reporters Tuesday that a glistening,...

Interior Department Approves Plan For Trump Commemorative Eagle

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WASHINGTON—Hailing the patriotically modified bird of prey as a must-have for any supporter of the president, the U.S. Department...

Poll: Most Conservatives Support White Genocide When Shown Actual Policies

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WASHINGTON—Despite overwhelming initial resistance to the concept, a Pew Research Center poll released Wednesday found that most conservatives supported...

New Generation Clarifies They’re Fine Not Having Own ‘Cat In The Hat’

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WASHINGTON—Explaining they had no deep-seated desire to “discover” the Dr. Seuss character, a new generation of moviegoers told reporters...

Labour Mourns Downfall of Leftist Celebrity Hero Russell Brand

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The leftists and Marxists are in mourning today as another one of their celebrity icons wakes up in jail...
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