WASHINGTON—Hailing the patriotically modified bird of prey as a must-have for any supporter of the president, the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Wednesday it would soon issue a Donald Trump commemorative eagle. “Whether you’re a raptor collector or just looking for a unique way to pay tribute to your favorite commander-in-chief, this adult bald eagle with President Trump’s face branded into its breast is for you,” said Interior Secretary Doug Burgum, noting that the red-hot iron used to mark the animal penetrated all the way to its chest skin so that the president’s likeness would remain pristinely intact even after the bird regrew its incinerated plumage. “You’ll also appreciate fine details like the numbers ‘45’ and ‘47’ engraved into either side of the eagle’s beak, as well as feathers glazed in 24-karat gold that make flight impossible for the bird but massively increase its investment value.” Burgum urged consumers to place their orders quickly, as the production run would be capped at 500 but could be fewer if environmental deregulation drove the bald eagle to extinction first.
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