CHICAGO—Dashing from station to station in a state of pure delirium as he gazed upon the endless spread of complimentary food and drinks, local dad Bruce Etheridge was reportedly losing his fucking mind Tuesday over the box suite amenities at a Blackhawks game. “Holy crap, they got hot dogs, loaded nachos, steak sliders—this is the kind of stuff they charge you a fortune for out on the concourse, and we can just walk up and take it!” Etheridge said to his children before collapsing onto one of the suite’s leather couches with a towering plate of food, gazing up in wonder at the massive flat-screen TV overhead, and repeatedly announcing to no one in particular that the tickets “cost $250 a pop,” as if he had personally shelled out for them instead of getting them free through work. “Now listen to me, when that dessert cart comes around, you grab as many brownies as you can, because it only makes one trip, and after it goes by, that’s it. Fill your coat pockets with snacks, too, because they just throw all this out at the end of the night anyway, and I’m not about to sit here and let all that premium grub go to waste. And—hold on, is that Stella Artois? They got Stella Artois in here? Kids, this is top-shelf stuff! You see that gold foil on the bottle? That’s how you know you’re a VIP.” According to reports, Etheridge was also seen standing at the edge of the suite and loudly calling for his mortified wife to take a picture of the ABC weather guy seated four boxes down so they’d have proof that they’d been rubbing elbows with celebrities.
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