THE HEAVENS—Noting that the change would take effect immediately for all 8.2 billion of His earthly creations, God Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, announced Monday that cutting hair would hurt now. “Going forward, cutting any hair on your body, from your head to your pubic region, will result in excruciating agony unlike anything you’ve ever experienced,” said the Supreme Being, who warned that even a quick trim would trigger countless sensitive nerve endings within each strand, resulting in a sensation that would make childbirth “look like a cakewalk.” “I created man in My image, and those who defy the natural order to give themselves bangs, a bob, or a textured crop will be punished. The next time you head to the barbershop, I recommend anesthesia for the pain and—because cutting hair will now produce massive amounts of blood—a large supply of gauze.” He Who Commanded Light to Shine Out of Darkness added, however, that the sensation of brushing long, waist-length locks would now result in a pleasure so great it would rival an orgasm.
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