‘I wouldn’t call her cuddly’: John Cameron Mitchell’s take on working with Nicole Kidman

Actor and director John Cameron Mitchell, 63, is best known for being the co-creator of the musical-film Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Here, he discusses the important women in his life, including his grandmother, dating in his 60s and what it’s like to work with Nicole Kidman.

My maternal grandmother, Marie (Maddy), lost her husband in World War I and had to take care of five kids. Granny was funny and had sayings like, “A man’s a man, but a good cup of tea is a great comfort.” She was a painter and the life of the party. Mom brought a boy home once for her mother to meet and Granny said, “I wouldn’t want to look at that face over a boiled egg every morning.”

My dad, John, was a retired US Army major-general. His most interesting post was to Berlin in the 1980s before the wall came down. Mom [Joan] was standing alongside Dad and behind Ronald Reagan when he said, “Tear down this wall.” She got to meet princes, popes and queens.

Mom was born in Glasgow. She was garrulous and had the gift of the gab; she was witty and knew how to have a good time. Once, she came home with a signed memoir by [Nazi official] Albert Speer. I was like, “Mom, what are you thinking?” She said, “Stop it, he’s very nice.” Mom died of Alzheimer’s in 2021; Dad died of the same disease eight years earlier.

Mom was Catholic and thought I was going to hell because I’m gay. It put a barrier between us. She
didn’t acknowledge my boyfriend for years or invite him over for dinner. When the Alzheimer’s took over, I got the mom I always wanted. That was the strange silver lining in the end.

My best friend, Brenda, and I had a babysitter who inspired the character of Hedwig in my film Hedwig and the Angry Inch. My babysitter lived in a trailer park and had a different date every day with a different guy. I thought she was just popular, but Brenda said, no, she has another job.

My celebrity crush was American actor Lance Kerwin. I first saw him in [the 1977-78 TV series] James at 15. He was also in The Loneliest Runner; that movie had a great effect on me.

My first girlfriend was a Black girl, Yvonne, who joined the Navy. I sought her out recently and hung out with her at a 35-year school reunion. Some of the women [from the reunion] came to my 60th a few years ago.

My longest relationship lasted eight years – with my musician boyfriend Jack Steeb. He passed away from substance abuse in 2004. He was a great guy, a victim of his alcoholism and couldn’t get out of it. The relationship grounded me for a while. I still talk to his mother.

I fell in love with someone after Jack, but that didn’t last. I wasn’t fully ready to be in a relationship again. For me, a relationship is understanding that one person can’t be everything to your needs. Trust and a sense of humour is essential. Sexual attraction might be the glue, but a good sense of humour lasts longer than sex.

I worked with Australian actress Nicole Kidman on two movies – Rabbit Hole and How to Talk to Girls at Parties. She hired me in 2009. I wouldn’t call her cuddly. She’s an example of an incredible self-made woman; she protects and directs herself. When I worked with Nicole, I didn’t interrupt her process. I would wait between takes, but knew if she was on her path she had to keep going. If I had an idea to suggest, I approached it with care. She’s an incredible athlete, a delicate person who places trust in you as an artist.

When pressed I say I’m non-binary. But non-binary is a temporary term, and nobody wants to be called a non-something. Language changes, people don’t. I don’t find labels useful. When you are young, you want them as it separates you from your parents and powers-that-be. But as you get older, you’re just trying to get by.

I am not dating much but still having more sex than Gen Z! I travel a lot for work and find a lover in every port. Sometimes it’s just about hanging out and having dinner with someone – it might be sexual or can turn into something more.

John Cameron Mitchell will appear at the Festival of Dangerous Ideas, Sydney, August 20-30.

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