HANNIBAL, MO—Expanding their exercise empire through a hostile takeover of the nearby business, the imperialistic Planet Fitness reportedly annexed a nearby GameStop Thursday as part of their Judgement Free Zone. “In our commitment to improving the world’s physique, we must take what is rightfully ours,” said Planet Fitness CEO Colleen Keating in a fiery speech, claiming the GameStop promoted “sloth and self-pleasure” and needed to be commandeered for the glory of the gym chain’s mission. “The sun shall never set on the beginner-friendly community of Planet Fitness, and this conquest represents just one of many nearby locations our purple-clad troops intend to conquer. By the end of the year, we hope to have Lunk Alarms installed at every nearby GameStop, Sizzler, and Walmart that borders our 2,700 locations worldwide. If these neighboring stores do not succumb to the splendor of our free weight paradise willingly, we have legions of jacked soldiers ready to impose our values by force.” Keating also warned any dissidents that reprisal would be punished with solitary confinement in the Black Card spa’s tanning booth.
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