QUANTICO, VA—Alarmed by what he described as the inability of supposedly elite law enforcement officers to approach and seduce attractive women, FBI director Kash Patel confirmed Thursday that he had invited all agents at the bureau to train with professional pickup artists. “The sad fact is that few, if any, federal agents use the three-second rule when engaging with females, or know how to deploy a neg to depress an HB’s [hot babe’s] confidence,” said Patel, adding that he would immediately loosen FBI wardrobe guidelines to accommodate the leopard-patterned fur coats, bedazzled tank tops, and oversized fedoras required for peacocking. “Most agents are sixes who could be pulling smoking-hot tens if they had the right tools, which is why it’s imperative they work closely with the PUA community. When they’re not keeping America safe, I want the FBI sarging at the clubs, armed with the proven, psychology-based techniques I myself use to this day.” Reached for comment, one FBI agent who did not wish to be named told reporters The Game came out in 2005 and only old creeps tried working that pickup artist shit now.
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