HOLCOMB, KS—Confused and even disturbed at the sight of a new employee who recently appeared on the processing line, workers at local meatpacking plant Carlyle Foods confirmed Thursday that they were weirded out by the presence of a guy older than 16. “I’m segmenting this carcass with a band saw when I see this dude by the offal separator who has to be 17, maybe even 18,” said Justin Henderson, 13, adding that he initially thought his mature coworker might be a new supervisor or maybe even ran the whole facility. “I mean, he was taller than all of us and had some actual facial hair. No doubt in my mind he was at least a freaking junior in high school, and my friend said he saw him pull into the parking lot in his own car. Guy wasn’t even dropped off by his parents. No disrespect, but what the hell is someone that old doing at a meatpacking plant? Something must’ve gone wrong in his life to be pushing 20 and still operating a bone cutter. Man, I sure hope I don’t end up like that someday.” At press time, Henderson was reportedly watching a 9-year-old operate an evisceration machine and suddenly wondered if he himself had already stuck around the meatpacking plant too long.
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