My generation has lost the ability to date in real life. Dating apps aren’t helping

My dating app experiences haven’t been great. There have been ghosters and time-wasters and people who seemed fun over text but couldn’t hold a conversation in person.

My friends, though, have had some real Hinge horror stories.

One went on a date with a guy who told her he was planning to write his PhD thesis on “the philosophy of woman” but somehow didn’t notice that he had been explaining it for 30 minutes without letting the woman across from him speak.

Another girl went on a date with someone who made her do their laundry, and pay for it. They claimed they had a new debit card that didn’t work and hadn’t been able to do their laundry for two weeks as a result.

And one friend experienced “Hinge-cest”, where she and all her friends had ended up dating the same men. There are “Hinge celebrities” who have gone on so many dates that their reputation precedes them.

Sounds like the ideal environment for meeting the love of your life, right?

Despite the technology’s poor reputation, it feels like everyone my age is on the apps. However, I only know a handful who have actually ended up in relationships with people they met online. Most, after weeks or months of scrolling, texting and going on dates, become frustrated and delete the app. And then, after failing to meet someone in real life, they re-download it.

So why are so many young people using dating apps if they don’t work? I believe it’s because my generation doesn’t know how to date in person.

Gen Z spent some of its formative dating and socialising years in lockdown, and we’ve grown up communicating over the internet. So it makes sense that this has had a lingering effect.

Dating apps seem to offer an easy way out. I do find it easier to speak to a new person online; shyness and awkwardness don’t come across over text. And perhaps most importantly, online rejection is far less humiliating.

But our dependence on dating apps might be making dating harder for us.

The idea that everyone is on Hinge has made making a move in person a completely foreign idea. Gen Z has lost the willingness to take a chance and just ask someone out, which dating has always relied on.

The gamification of dating makes us view it as a lazy activity – something we can do without leaving our bedrooms.

What’s worse is the horrible culture fostered by these apps. Ghosting people and talking to more than 10 people at once are considered normal. It’s no wonder users seem to forget they’re interacting with real humans. Similarly, your entire judgment of someone is based on a few photos.

None of this is conducive to genuine connection. It’s a tick-box model of dating, where you reject anyone who doesn’t fit your “ideal partner” criteria based on their photo and a few titbits of information. All this does is teach us to how to market ourselves to please other people and relentlessly judge others.

Dating in real life can be the opposite: you might end up with someone who doesn’t tick all the boxes you thought you wanted, but who ticks others that you didn’t realise you needed. The most important things, like real-life chemistry, communication style and personality, can’t be captured in a dating-app profile.

Although dating apps can have value for those who don’t have many opportunities to meet new people in real life, we need to break away from the mindset that they’re the only way to connect.

After the end of my last relationship, a friend told me to “keep going out, meeting new people, and something would happen eventually”. So, I made a conscious effort to say yes to every invitation that came my way – whether it was a spontaneous dinner, a side-quest that sends the night in a new direction, or a new book club. Even when I felt busy, or tired, or didn’t think I’d enjoy it.

And my life has become so much richer as a result. I’m meeting interesting people every day, going to places I haven’t been before, and trying out new things. Last week I spent an evening at a small art gallery in Brunswick, another at a themed house party, and a morning at a philosophy reading group. I’m much happier than I was when I was scrolling Hinge. And I know something will happen when it’s meant to.

I’m learning that dating in a meaningful way takes courage, patience and rejection – like it did for generations before mine. In any case, I think I’d still rather be rejected in real life than do an internet stranger’s washing on a first date.

Saria Ratnam is a University of Melbourne arts student.

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