WASHINGTON—Lowering their sunglasses for a better look at the massive honkin’ caboose, the entire U.S. populace was reportedly enthralled Friday by an adult man with a huge, juicy ass. “That middle-aged man has an absolute bakery back there,” said Harlan Davis, 33, echoing the sentiments of 340 million Americans who could not look away from the prodigious dumper. “My God, that curvaceous rear is hypnotic. There’s no way he can buy his pants off the rack. Forget about a quarter—you could bounce a full half dollar off that thing. I want to cry that rump is so beautifully plump.” At press time, the nation began to drool as the man bent over to pick up a pen.
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