WASHINGTON—In a united effort to fulfill their patriotic duty as Americans, the nation’s voters reportedly lined up in droves Tuesday to humiliate Nate Silver. “Little fuck thinks he’s so smart—I’ll show him,” said D.C. resident Jon Everett, one of 174 million registered voters who eagerly waited outside their polling places for the chance to make their voices heard and wipe the shit-eating grin off the founder and former editor-in-chief of FiveThirtyEight’s face. “As an American, it’s my civic responsibility to knock that smug asshole down a few pegs. He probably thinks he’s going to go on his little podcast tomorrow and talk all about how he correctly forecast the midterms. Well, think again, motherfucker.” Several states reported record-breaking numbers of same-day voter registrations Tuesday in what is believed to be part of a last-minute, nationwide push to drive Silver to suicide.
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